Patience

I have waited a long time for deep, heartfelt desires to come to me. Put the hope out into the universe through heart and mind and whispered prayers for years, many years... to now finally have these hopes, real and true, in my life. They have finally come, filling the spaces in my heart to overflowing. So thankful....beyond words...

Hope

"Hope" is the thing with feathers
-Emily Dickinson

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

Grace

In the past, it seems that whenever I made a mistake I often had to pay through loss...requiring me to let go, grieve, gird up, move on. A severance.

It's nice to realize that life is not always going to be this way... that we have room to not have it all together sometimes, and simply be human, but we don't have to pay through losing what matters to us... we get to keep, because we are meant to have. This is Grace.

Life, etc.

If I had a gigantic metaphysical eraser and could go back and delete some of the decisions I have made over the past few months, I would. But we live this life moment by moment, and sometimes it's like traveling in a heavy mist where we can only see a few feet in front of our faces... so we use wisdom and go slow. I sped through the fog and managed to come out with only a few dings and bruises, so I should be thankful.

I have realized a lot about myself tonight. When you take yourself out of your environment and into a, well, better environment, it's easy to reflect on what you are missing.

Space, for one. The simplest terms. Humans need their space. And my living situation is tolerable, but far from ideal. I'm working to remedy that and provide more for us.....

I know I can be edgy, and it's because, while I know that I'm a good mom, or can be a good mom, I need my space. Literally and figuratively. Always - especially now - I've been balancing work and kids on my own... and I get really fucking tired. And since I never had the finances required to balance these things, I've just had to struggle... and it's easy to get frustrated as a result. (I'm soooo that mom that doesn't live solely to be a mom, and I don't think that's bad. I love my kids. But I'd hire a nanny lickety-split just to have time to jog, or go to the mall by myself... with no shame).

When you struggle for years financially, it's so easy to think poorly. Though I realize that rich and poor are not necessarily a balance in your bank account. It is truly a state of mind. I must remember that regardless of good fortunes or misfortunes, I have to keep my eyes above that horizon line, to keep my gaze on these things that I truly want and aspire to. I can't even tell you the last time I felt truly taken care of...(aside from recent kindness)... I always feel so taken care of at home... my parents' house is so nice and spacious - and grown up - all the makings of my dad's hard work. And though I always assumed I would, I haven't been able to truly take care of myself like that -- financially speaking. Always knew I would be successful, just wondering when the hell that was going to happen. It has always been my job, since I moved here 12 years ago, to take care of myself and give myself the life to which I grew accustomed...and it's not about things, it's about a feeling of knowing that I can depend on myself to keep the bills paid, and never have to fret about the basics. I have pared my life back to such a degree that I truly have only the essentials to deal with, and hope to stay that way regardless of where I go in life. And I do plan to go up...

I have to remember to keep my sights high... To keep my gaze higher, and not allow myself to slip into this moderate, ho-hum thinking. I need to remember what I'm capable of and what I want out of this life, and set my goals and aspirations to match this...

somewhere i have never travelled... e e cummings

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

My Goal: Jungle Hiking in Costa Rica

My goal before I got pregnant with my first baby was to get in amazing "Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider" shape and then take a jungle hiking trip in Costa Rica.

I want to experience hiking through heavy brush, dripping in sweat, then soar along the tops of the trees on one of those canopy-ride things. I want to cool off in the ocean, and later crash exhausted but happy (and hopefully not alone) in a plush, net-covered bed.

So this is my goal, once again. Since I'll be in shape from training for my half-marathon in May (ha!), hopefully I'll have the $$ to take my trip to Costa Rica soon after.

A good day

Written Aug. 15, 2008

i took my boys to my favorite park today that has the most spectacular view of the harbor, and dozens of white sailboats skimming through the water. i watched the boys ride their bikes while i read a few pages, and then we laid in the grass and watched the clouds for a bit. they told me to shut my eyes, and when i opened them they were standing over me with roses they picked for me. and once again all was right with the world...