My Goal: Jungle Hiking in Costa Rica

My goal before I got pregnant with my first baby was to get in amazing "Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider" shape and then take a jungle hiking trip in Costa Rica.

I want to experience hiking through heavy brush, dripping in sweat, then soar along the tops of the trees on one of those canopy-ride things. I want to cool off in the ocean, and later crash exhausted but happy (and hopefully not alone) in a plush, net-covered bed.

So this is my goal, once again. Since I'll be in shape from training for my half-marathon in May (ha!), hopefully I'll have the $$ to take my trip to Costa Rica soon after.

A good day

Written Aug. 15, 2008

i took my boys to my favorite park today that has the most spectacular view of the harbor, and dozens of white sailboats skimming through the water. i watched the boys ride their bikes while i read a few pages, and then we laid in the grass and watched the clouds for a bit. they told me to shut my eyes, and when i opened them they were standing over me with roses they picked for me. and once again all was right with the world...

My postcard town

Written Aug. 19, 2008

I took a walk around my postcard town today for the first time after a several week hiatus due to spraining my ankle. It's a perfectly breezy, sunny day and it felt like waking from a kind of coma to get back out and about again. This was my daily routine for months, and then it simply - stopped.

I love my town. Paying so much to live in California makes sense if you live somewhere that makes your heart sing, and my little town does. My baby boy and I took a walk to the post office to mail a package to a family member back home, and on the way we chatted about things (it's amazing the conversation this child can hold), while we kicked tree fruit on the sidewalk like small orange soccer balls.

I think about my home in Florida. The place that holds all of my childhood memories like building cinder block forts in the pasture, chasing my 4-H steers down our driveway, and sneaking out my bedroom window before midnight to go to a Goth club on the bad side of town with my friends. The driveway where I experienced my first real, heart-stopping kiss. The same driveway, where four years later, I watched as he drove away and out of my life forever. And where I, at age 21, packed up and drove off in Betty, my brown and gold '83 Dodge van, toward a quest for a new adventure in California... Not realizing at the time there would come a day when I ached to return down that driveway and be back home.

I've been contemplating the idea of home, and what that truly means, and where I belong. It has to be more than the place you keep your things, where you get your mail. It's the place where you feel whole. The place you rest your heart. And it's people... the ones who, when we are near them, make us feel that we are, well, home...

This place has my heart. All of you here, you have my heart. And for right now I am content to find my joy here on my own with my two boys, in my little postcard town with its sunny breezes and white sailboats that skim through the cerulean sea, and plenty of sidewalks to stroll as I dream.

Life

Written Aug. 24, 2008

I was crying to my mother on the phone like a little girl just days ago telling her that I just wanted to come home... That I would leave everything behind if I had to and get on a plane with my children and come home and fall into the arms of my loved ones and find rest. To get a break from having to fight so hard to figure out this life and struggle to keep my head above this rising tide. I'm tired.

It was one of my weak days, as I call them, and I know I'm allowed to have them. But then within days, like always it seems, the fire is relit - either through quiet resolve or sparked by being so fucking pissed off that the fighter in me jumps to her feet again ready to go another few rounds.

Of all the bad cliches I could tag to my current situation, "rollercoaster" sums it up. My life plans seem to ebb and flow on a daily basis and I am, to use another cliche, trying to "think outside of the box" to give stability to myself and my boys.

But beyond all of this, I know who I am. And I keep reminding myself that these circumstances, at least, are keeping life interesting. It's helping to sharpen my ability to problem solve and also shaking out some of the areas where I am weak - like finances and bill-paying and expense report filing and anything number-crunching which makes me cringe and I always find 10,000 reasons to walk away, or dance in my kitchen, anything but face what I have to face... And it's not a pretty picture. But this will get better, in time... Great men and women survived the Great Depression... I will survive mine.

I still have my hopes and dreams firmly intact and in many ways, I am living them - even right this minute. Life, on the whole, is good and I have many reasons to be thankful and many reasons to smile. I have two amazing little boys who love me, the best friends in the world, a beautiful family who are my rock and my net, and hope, my greatest lover.

The LaMere Project

written Aug. 1, 2008

i know that it's every woman's right to have a child, and that it's also her responsibility to care for those children. but for moms who do it on their own, the task seems insurmountable. children's home society offers government aid for moms of a certain income bracket, but if you make more than poverty level, you'll never be considered for the help you need to pay for daycare. often, it seems, moms are just a few hundred dollars shy each month, and need that extra push to get them over the hump. but because they don't have that extra bit of help, despair sets in... it's a vicious cycle that many working single-income moms face. it's seems nearly impossible (trust me on this) to find quality, affordable care for your children that allows you to work full-time and still bring home enough money to live -- after paying for the childcare, that is. childcare should cost something, of course, because it's an important service and daycare workers need to make a living too. but there has to be an answer to this problem...

i'm lucky that i haven't ever had to pay most of my income on childcare, yet was still able to work full-time. (i work from home which has it's own set of challenges, but is luckily cost-efficient). but now i need to make more money and am right back in that vicious cycle again, of needing to find a job offering a substantial jump in pay to make the effort worth while.

my heart goes out to the women like me who make too much because they want to make something of themselves and get ahead in life, yet still don't make enough to get by without scrimping and scraping and struggling from month to month. i think about you often and you are in my heart and prayers. help will come... and soon...!

Me as a Mom

Me as a mom - written July 25, 2008

i belong to a mom's group but i never go to any of the events. i don't do park dates or play dates or the other things most moms do. it's just never stuck. i take my boys to do fun things like go to the park and the beach, disney, the zoo, and fun cultural events where they get to play and do arts and crafts. but im not a play date mom. i sometimes wonder if that's bad. i like to share mom stories with my girlfriends and tell people the funny things my kids do, because they are hilarious, but i don't enjoy sitting around and chat about breast feeding or the pros and cons of attached parenting or vaccination shots. i never cared about having the latest boppy gizmo or the coolest new stroller. (and if i have another baby, im doing that wrap thing). i don't think being a parent is trendy. it's really, really hard work and sometimes i think i fail miserably on a daily basis. im the mom who's always running late, throws the lunch in the bag, lets my oldest pick out his own clothes which means he may or may not match (which i think is adorable) and his shirt may be on backwards. He's 5, it's fine, let it go. i recently cut our toy inventory by half and need to keep giving some things away. i think it's a trap of parental guilt to think love means buying stuff for your kid. i don't think you should love kids with things. you should love them with love. time. fun. and a clean house free from the clutter of damned toys all over the place. no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to, for the life of me, get them to sit down and be good in public when they are wound up, so i just go home. im still not sure what to do about that, but id like to give the finger to anyone without kids who sits and passes judgment. yes, cereal can be dinner and no, you can't have a happy meal. i think that baths are important, of course, but if we skip a day, oh well. i always seem to be the mom who forgets the birthday parties, because if you give me a paper invitation instead of emailing me the info - forget it. that's something i'm working on...

ISM: SK8OLOGY Online Charity Auction

I can't skateboard worth a damn.

The last time I attempted was 12 years ago in a parking lot in the desert where I managed to "do" (or whatever the proper action verb is in this context) an Ollie and fell and hurt -er- mildly scraped my elbow and decided I was over it. (This instance could have been a clue for me later on in my life that I am not, nor ever will be, cut out to be a roller derby girl).

But I still love the art of skateboarding - and yes, I do think it's an art. Especially reflected in these beautiful skateboard decks, on auction now as part of ISM's SK8OLOGY online charity auction.

They are quite lovely, and proceeds benefit the local arts.

My MySpace addiction, and a new goal...

It's been far too long since I've posted regularly here.

Sweet Paper Posy, I have abandoned you. I realize that. I've instead been a fool about my MySpace page. Posting photos, posting blogs, and putting up and taking down videos like it's a damn virtual yearbook. I like bulletin boards for things like photos and magazine clippings and quotes and things and MySpace has become that, or a sort of shrine to myself.

If it all has to go somewhere, this is a good place... this blog started out as a place for all of my thoughts and so I've come back to you, my sweet neglected post. And since I have only two readers (who already love me and I them - hi Heidi and Shana!), there's little risk of embarrassing myself too badly here....

So, some great new developments in my life. One of the most exciting (that I'm willing to share at this time) is my new goal to get in shape again, after losing out on about two months of walking/jogging time due to my bum ankle. But I'm not just running to run -- I aim to run a half-marathon next May! Ahhh!

Yes, this asthmatic, pain-phobic chica is going to spend a morning running 13.1 miles - and this is happening in about nine months! Talk about labor pains! I'm nervous about reaching my goal, but I'm determined. I also signed up for a 2K race in mid-October to get my feet wet, so to speak, with a goal of running the one-mile-plus race in 15-20 minutes without stopping or walking.

I'm on Day 2 of my training and so far, it's been pretty rough. Lots more walking than running going on, but tackling these steep Dana Point hills nevertheless. I'm definitley out of shape and have a lot of work to do! One step at a time...