Life

Written Aug. 24, 2008

I was crying to my mother on the phone like a little girl just days ago telling her that I just wanted to come home... That I would leave everything behind if I had to and get on a plane with my children and come home and fall into the arms of my loved ones and find rest. To get a break from having to fight so hard to figure out this life and struggle to keep my head above this rising tide. I'm tired.

It was one of my weak days, as I call them, and I know I'm allowed to have them. But then within days, like always it seems, the fire is relit - either through quiet resolve or sparked by being so fucking pissed off that the fighter in me jumps to her feet again ready to go another few rounds.

Of all the bad cliches I could tag to my current situation, "rollercoaster" sums it up. My life plans seem to ebb and flow on a daily basis and I am, to use another cliche, trying to "think outside of the box" to give stability to myself and my boys.

But beyond all of this, I know who I am. And I keep reminding myself that these circumstances, at least, are keeping life interesting. It's helping to sharpen my ability to problem solve and also shaking out some of the areas where I am weak - like finances and bill-paying and expense report filing and anything number-crunching which makes me cringe and I always find 10,000 reasons to walk away, or dance in my kitchen, anything but face what I have to face... And it's not a pretty picture. But this will get better, in time... Great men and women survived the Great Depression... I will survive mine.

I still have my hopes and dreams firmly intact and in many ways, I am living them - even right this minute. Life, on the whole, is good and I have many reasons to be thankful and many reasons to smile. I have two amazing little boys who love me, the best friends in the world, a beautiful family who are my rock and my net, and hope, my greatest lover.