Life, etc.

If I had a gigantic metaphysical eraser and could go back and delete some of the decisions I have made over the past few months, I would. But we live this life moment by moment, and sometimes it's like traveling in a heavy mist where we can only see a few feet in front of our faces... so we use wisdom and go slow. I sped through the fog and managed to come out with only a few dings and bruises, so I should be thankful.

I have realized a lot about myself tonight. When you take yourself out of your environment and into a, well, better environment, it's easy to reflect on what you are missing.

Space, for one. The simplest terms. Humans need their space. And my living situation is tolerable, but far from ideal. I'm working to remedy that and provide more for us.....

I know I can be edgy, and it's because, while I know that I'm a good mom, or can be a good mom, I need my space. Literally and figuratively. Always - especially now - I've been balancing work and kids on my own... and I get really fucking tired. And since I never had the finances required to balance these things, I've just had to struggle... and it's easy to get frustrated as a result. (I'm soooo that mom that doesn't live solely to be a mom, and I don't think that's bad. I love my kids. But I'd hire a nanny lickety-split just to have time to jog, or go to the mall by myself... with no shame).

When you struggle for years financially, it's so easy to think poorly. Though I realize that rich and poor are not necessarily a balance in your bank account. It is truly a state of mind. I must remember that regardless of good fortunes or misfortunes, I have to keep my eyes above that horizon line, to keep my gaze on these things that I truly want and aspire to. I can't even tell you the last time I felt truly taken care of...(aside from recent kindness)... I always feel so taken care of at home... my parents' house is so nice and spacious - and grown up - all the makings of my dad's hard work. And though I always assumed I would, I haven't been able to truly take care of myself like that -- financially speaking. Always knew I would be successful, just wondering when the hell that was going to happen. It has always been my job, since I moved here 12 years ago, to take care of myself and give myself the life to which I grew accustomed...and it's not about things, it's about a feeling of knowing that I can depend on myself to keep the bills paid, and never have to fret about the basics. I have pared my life back to such a degree that I truly have only the essentials to deal with, and hope to stay that way regardless of where I go in life. And I do plan to go up...

I have to remember to keep my sights high... To keep my gaze higher, and not allow myself to slip into this moderate, ho-hum thinking. I need to remember what I'm capable of and what I want out of this life, and set my goals and aspirations to match this...