This is not goodbye...

In my latest blog post I mentioned it was my last one. My attempt to return to 1996... the tangiblity of pen and paper to the intangibility of cyberspace. I get on tangents like these sometimes... and then I eventually, sometimes swiftly, fall back in step with my everyday patterns. And so it has happened...

Christian Bale as Batman fights crime on the small screen as I spend the last hour I intended to use getting a head start on sleep instead thinking about how I process information. Slowly. In segments. Similiar to how my boyfriend's laptop lags to open a Web page or file...grinding and grinding in its search until it eventually fulfills your request. I am not a "slow" person, I am thoughtful. Introspective. Especially when it's about something that really matters. Something I don't want to lose. I try to be patient - to allow myself to think... I get lost in my thoughts so much that I sometimes miss moments to reply or respond the way I should, in the way the moment calls for. That makes me feel stupid. But I am lost in my thoughts and so I review conversations in my mind and have to go back and ask questions or make points after the fact. Im sure it can be percieved as if I've been obsessing about that one particular point for days, when really it just needed time to cycle around to the front of my mind again, its turn in my tumultuous parade of thoughts...

I ask myself a lot of questions. I try to get to the core of what is in my heart, my gut... And why... Why am I feeling the way I do? I have learned that when you are quick to speak and swift to make judgements, you are often swift to fuck up your life. (And I make more than my share of reactionary comments too, to be certain). But I realize that it's much better to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open and feel things out and see where life takes you... And even if you feel stupid by having to go back and clarify things the next day, or a few days later, it's OK... I tell myself.